The Weekly Blurb

Ooh La la!!

HOLLYWOOD - Off with your head if you don’t see the most important womany film of the year, Marie Antoinette. This poignant, bittersweet confection will win you over, dazzle you with how cool it is, and just maybe, make you allow them to eat cake, “them” being your sensibilities and the “cake” being this film.

Kirsten Dunst sparkles as the young, sensitive royal starlet, who’s treated like a piece of veal by the court and eventually is given up to die as a chump, but in the meantime, this Marie rocks her wig off! Party after party, shopping spree after sex romp, Marie is living large! Woo, woo, woo! Oh, but she suffers because she’s the girl-toy of an entire nation.

Directed by Sophia Coppola, Marie is as skillfully crafted as an affordable Merlot. Marie provokes with lessons in history, wows with elegant surroundings lovingly photographed, and endears with neck-breaking mood swings. Kirsten Dunst is astonishing, playing a teenage aristocrat with the casual aplomb of a twenty-ish actress. Jason Schwartzman brings his brooding broodiness to the role of the guy Marie marries, and delivers a terrific performance, even subjecting himself to remaining cleanly shaven. Other cast members wear their costumes with sparkle, wit and passion.

Ms. Coppola has come into her own as a mature young crafter of womany films, and uses her immense talent to lay bare the pain and loneliness that wealthy, kept women are subjected to, day in and day out. In their gilded prisons they cry to be understood, and Ms. Coppola gives them voice. Brava, Sophia, brava!

This Man wins in a landslide !!

HOLLYWOOD - Just in time for the election season, Man of the Year is here to win your box office vote. It’s the sharpest political-comedy-thriller of the year, and probably will be until November!

Robin Williams is at his side-splitting best as ascorbic TV comedian Lou Dobbs, speaking his mind on every subject by doing funny bits and impersonations of gay people. On a lark, Dobbs runs for President, but here’s the movie’s brilliant twist - he wins! Williams is in top form here, clowning, ad-libbing, braying like a wounded goat one moment, then touchingly tender and Mork-ish in the next. You never know what the hell he’s up to or why, and that’s part of the Williams charm. Lewis Black is terrific as Dobbs’ speech writer, convulsing and spitting far less than usual. Christopher Walken proves once again that he’d be worth watching on the screen even if he was bound and gagged. Laura Linney plays the woman.

But behind this clowny mask of fun is a taut thriller! Certain powerful people (Jeff Goldblum) are sitting on the controversy of the century - the voting machines were incorrect and, just maybe, the wrong man is in the White House! And those powerful people will stop at nothing to make sure that he stays there. It seems a far - fetched premise for a political story, but Man gives the impression that it could happen right here, so watch out. It’s a brilliantly original concept, and it’ll put Man of the Year in the running for Movie of the Year at Oscar©®™ time.

Get ready to Depart - For the best film of the Millenium !!

HOLLYWOOD - There is no doubt about it, The Departed is absolutely and without exception the finest work of cinematic art of the century, perhaps of the millennium. An epic film of monumental proportions, an unparalleled masterpiece of such magnificent scope and sweep, to make another film after The Departed ought to be considered a crime against the art of filmmaking and the perpetrator beaten bloody with a pool cue.

Director Martin Scorsese easily cements his place in history as the Cecil B. DeMille of film. Never before has the screen seen such mastery, such power and glory, so evenly distributed over the length and height of the screen. Like a great conductor, Scorsese paints his sculptures with broad strokes. creating a architectural dance of striking harmonies and tonalities, vividly setting his cinematic saga to the tune of “My Bloody Valentine.”

Jack Nicholson gives the kind of once-in-a-lifetime performance that earns him an indelible place in the annals of actors who have delivered once-in-a-lifetime performances. Matt Damon gives the performance of his life as a hardened young cop who infiltrates the mob, while Leonardo DiCaprio, in a lifetime-best performance, plays a hardened young mobster who infiltrates the police force. Or it may be the other way around. I will definitely have to see the film to figure it out, and when I do, this pairing of acting titans will go down in history as one of the best pairs of performances the screen has ever known. Mark “E Mark” Wahlberg is doing the best work of his life in a role that visually confuses the lines between Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio, at least for me.

But it all adds up to be the most stunningly interwoven assemblage of character nuance and narrative complexities the American cinema is likely to see between the current state of the art and the time the sun explodes, destroying all life on the planet. This triumphant achievement establishes itself as a work of such importance that it would not be excessive for Congress to consider legislation requiring all citizens to see it. It’s that important. With The Departed, Martin Scorsese has revealed himself to the world as a prophetic visionary of such unrelenting majesty that offerings ought to be made unto him, whole cities devoted to apostolic evangelism in spreading His Word made cinematic, and marble statues the size of the Colossus of Rhodes erected in His Holy Name. To do anything less would be to insult the very notion of cinema and perhaps rip asunder the primeval fabric of existence. Therefore I heartily encourage you to see this film now, before the soon-to-be-formed formed Cultural Police force you to do it later.

This School Graduates with Honors !!

HOLLYWOOD - The bell has rung and the syllabus calls for laughter - School for Scoundrels is in session, and this School earns an A-Plus! Jon Heder stars in his funniest role since Benchwarmers, in what has got to be the flat-out most hystrical live-action comedy to come out of Hollywood this entire week!

Napoleon Dynamite’s Jon Heder stretches his acting muscles in the role of Roger, a clumsy, loveable loser, but this time he wants to do something about it! In order to overcome his shyness and ask his favorite girl for a date, Roger enrolls in a super-secret macho class to learn to be more manly. The result is man-sized hilarity! His teacher, Biddy Bob Thornton, teaches young Roger too well and is inexplicably compelled to compete with his student for his girlfriend, and before long, the battle of the sex is on!

School’s laugh-out-loud script really does its homework. Chock full of all the jokes you’ve seen in the ads, School for Scoundrels is an advanced-placement class in hilarity, with honors-level performances from a special class of comics. Billy Bob Thornton shows us a whole new kind of hairpiece, and Jon Heder delivers a sensitive performance without a hint of diagnosable mental impairment. SNL’s Horatio Sanz heads up a supporting cast of funny other characters who really know how to deliver their lines. Ben Stiller is on hand to play a dependably wacky person, and hangs on to the title as the person appearing in the most comedies this year.

At the end of this School day, you’ll want to stay after for more extra-cirricular hijinks!

Your Spirit Will Soar With These Flyboys!!!!

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Penn-tacular !!

HOLLYWOOD - Wow! I just got back from screening the trailer for All the King’s Men, and in my opinion it’s the most powerful and important film of this or any year! This masterpiece of a tour-de-force is guaranteed to sweep the Oscars©®™ and steal the election for the title of Triumph of the Human Spirit. I can’t wait to see the actual film! All the King’s Men puts the movies back together again!

Sean Penn dazzles as the corrupt politician Willie Stark, based on corrupt politician Huey Lewis. It’s a brilliant performance, with Penn at the top of his craft, flailing his arms like a cheerleader and bellowing in a southern accent so rich you can almost taste the lard! I predict that after this powerhouse role, young Mr. Penn is going places - such as The Academy Awards!©®™

Penn is just one jewel in this all-star crown. James Gandolfini plays another corrupt politician with immense weight, and a cameo by Anthony Hopkins brings to mind that treasure of American acting, Burl Ives, and I mean that in a good way. Kate Winslet is lovely as a woman, while Jude Law is pitch-perfect as Jack Burden, the corrupt reporter turned corrupt politician who yearns to be lesss corrupt.

The result is astoniching, pure movie genius, and far better that the old, tired black-and-white version of the story, because this time it’s in color. All the Kings Men drives home an important message: Politicians, although seeming to have our best interests in mind, often do things that they should be ashamed of. It’s a stunning relevation, and even in this era of peace and proserity, we should probably keep it in mind for a while.

A Touchdown for the Heart !!

HOLLYWOOD - Get ready for the best summer movie of the fall! Gridiron Gang arrives just in time to tackle your heart and split your uprights with warmth, humor and inspiration!

This gritty gridiron prison drama tells the inspiring story of some guy, through the timeless beauty and poetry of football. Duane “The Johnson” Rock stars as a juvenile probation officer who’s determined to turn a hopeless group of young criminals into a hopeful group of young football players.

Gridiron Gang has a full roster of indelible performances and a lean, muscular script. The Rock delivers with a surprising role that doesn’t involve hurting people, and many young actors are called upon to play youthful offenders with the kind of authenticity that makes you want to call the police.

it all adds up to a story that will take your heart out of the cellar and lead it all the way to sudden death overtime! Do yourself a favor this fall and see Gridiron Gang, a football movie that scores nothing but net!

It’s Covenan-terrific !!

HOLLYWOOD - If you’re looking to go to Hell - a hell of a good movie, that is, and don’t know witch - one to see, make a deal with the devil to see The Covenant - it’ll be the best damned deal you ever made!

At the exclusive Spenser boarding school, four young hottie boys - is that all right? You young kids, help me out: do you call attractive young men “hotties,” or would “hottems” be better? At any rate, these four young hottems have it all - popularity, girls and supernatural powers. They can get babes and crash cars without getting hurt, which is the dream of every college man. They’re descendants of several generations of hotties reaching back to Pilgrim times in Ipswich, when the original hottem families made a covenant to remain powerful and attractive - forever! but there’s one problem - a fifth hottem comes to town with even more powerful powers to get more babes and crash more cars, and he’s bent on destroying the other four!

There was absolutely nobody I’d ever heard of in this cast, and they all did a terrific job. You might recognize one or two from their various roles in John Tucker Must Die; I didn’t. Director Renny Harlin brings a master’s touch to this , adrenaline-popping, eye-pumping non-stop thrill ride, bringing the same magic we saw in films like Cliffhanger, Cutthroat Island and the first version of the last Exorcist movie.

The Covenant keeps its promise! It’s the year’s best thriller about late-adolescent supernatural wizards in private colleges! See it or suffer the consequences!

Nothing Quiet About This Thriller!!

HOLLYWOOD - Do yourself a big favor! The Quiet screams to be seen and heard! It’s a cinematic gem graced with stunning visuals of Elisha Cuthbert in her underwear, and packed with indelible performances by Elisha Cuthbert in her underwear. Do you really need any other reason to go? If you do, you don’t have a pulse, or aren’t attracted to cute, demented teenage girls in their underwear!!

Cuthbert plays Nina, a popular cheerleader with a perfect life - or is it?! Suddenly her world is turned when her parents adopt their goddaughter Dot, whose parents die in the most thrilling car accident of the summer! Dot is a troubled soul, an outcast in her school and a deaf-mute - or is she?! Soon everybody’s telling their secrets to Dot, and because she’s deaf, this presents a certain irony, although I can’t figure out what it is. Soon we learn that the whole family and many friends have secrets, dark nasty secrets that they probably shouldn’t reveal to anyone but a deaf - mute person or a qualified therapist.

Elisha Cuthbert delivers a riveting screen presence, especially when she’s in her underwear. Edie Falco is perfect as a shrill, pill-popping version of her role as the lady from The Sopranos. Camilla Belle plays Dot.

So if you’re looking for a taut, gripping psychodrama that combines the saucy sass of a Bad Girls with the dysfunctional suburban life of American Beauty topped off with a hint of The Miracle Worker, look no further than The Quiet, because it won’t do you any good!

Abracadabra, This Film Will Reach Out and Grab Ya!!

HOLLYWOOD - Get ready for a magical treat! The Illusionist is a cinematic gem, the eye-popping, jaw-dropping, delicately crafted, supercharged surprise hit of the year. But be careful: if you blink it might disappear - from theaters everywhere!

Edward Norton plays Eisenheim, an eighteenth-century magician with a dark, brooding mysterious beard on his chin and some really astonishing clothes. He is also an excellent magician, making plants grow and balancing swords so well it embarrasses the crowned heads of Europe (Rufus Sewell). But the real magic happens when Eisenheim rekindles his romance with his childhood sweetheart Sophie, played by Jessica Biel with subtle charm and tremendously large teeth. It is a forbidden romance, and police Inspector Uhl (Paul Giamatti) is brought in to pull back the magician’s pants and expose his real purpose. Or is he?!

Then suddenly, poof! the story spins around with so many twists and turns, you’ll wonder, as with the best of magicians, what the hell just happened? It’s the twist-a-minute plot that makes this elegant, effective meditation on the nature of the soul a slam-dunk with nothing but net.

Edward Norton is pitch-perfect in the role of Eisenheim. It’s a performance so subtle, you’ll wonder if he’s really acting. Jessica Biel brings to the role of Sophie the delicate restraint yet powerful nuance of craft that made her roles in Blade: Trinity and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre stand out. Choosing to veil her most considerable skills behind layers of clothing is a brave choice, but she acts the hell out of her role! And Paul Giamatti as the plucky, quirky inspector is an absolute treat - this odd-looking young man is headed for stardom!

With indelible performances, eye-popping visuals and a story that will keep you turning the pages in your seat, The Illusionist is the perfect film to see if you want to tell your friends that you saw a real movie this summer!