November 30 , 2007

Awake

Wake Up and Smell the Suspense !!

HOLLYWOOD - You rsquo;d have to be asleep to miss Awake, the mind-pounding, pulse-blowing thrill-ride of the year! This taut thriller will have your eyes glued to the edge of your seat long before the opening credits roll and promises to be this summer rsquo;s sleeper hit of the holiday season!

Young Clay (Hayden Christiansen) goes under anesthesia for some much-needed heart surgery. Or is he?! He can hear and feel everything that rsquo;s happening, although he's unable to move, speak or act. Eventually this unthinkable horror leads to relationship challenges with his new wife (Jessica Alba) that no doubt they rsquo;ll have to sort through - if he doesn rsquo;t die!

Hayden Christiansen brings the same brooding looks and vacant stare that made him sand out in the highly talked-about Star Wars films, and as a seemingly lifeless pile of organs on a table, he gives his most convincing performance to date. Jessica Alba gives a Maxim interview-worthy performance, and cements her place in Hollywood as the concerned hot girlfriend, summoning all her talents to appear concerned and frightened without taking her clothes off. And brilliant indie-film king Terrence Howard, as the surgeon, delivers another paycheck-earning performance.

Awake is a wide-awake nightmare that rsquo;s not to be missed! At least not by anyone who has trouble sleeping!

October 21 , 2006

Marie Antoinette

Ooh La la!!

HOLLYWOOD - Off with your head if you don't see the most important womany film of the year, Marie Antoinette. This poignant, bittersweet confection will win you over, dazzle you with how cool it is, and just maybe, make you allow them to eat cake, quot;them quot; being your sensibilities and the quot;cake quot; being this film.

Kirsten Dunst sparkles as the young, sensitive royal starlet, who's treated like a piece of veal by the court and eventually is given up to die as a chump, but in the meantime, this Marie rocks her wig off! Party after party, shopping spree after sex romp, Marie is living large! Woo, woo, woo! Oh, but she suffers because she's the girl-toy of an entire nation.

Directed by Sophia Coppola, Marie is as skillfully crafted as an affordable Merlot. Marie provokes with lessons in history, wows with elegant surroundings lovingly photographed, and endears with neck-breaking mood swings. Kirsten Dunst is astonishing, playing a teenage aristocrat with the casual aplomb of a twenty-ish actress. Jason Schwartzman brings his brooding broodiness to the role of the guy Marie marries, and delivers a terrific performance, even subjecting himself to remaining cleanly shaven. Other cast members wear their costumes with sparkle, wit and passion.

Ms. Coppola has come into her own as a mature young crafter of womany films, and uses her immense talent to lay bare the pain and loneliness that wealthy, kept women are subjected to, day in and day out. In their gilded prisons they cry to be understood, and Ms. Coppola gives them voice. Brava, Sophia, brava!

October 13 , 2006

Man of the Year

This Man wins in a landslide !!

HOLLYWOOD - Just in time for the election season, Man of the Year is here to win your box office vote. it's the sharpest political-comedy-thriller of the year, and probably will be until November!

Robin Williams is at his side-splitting best as ascorbic TV comedian Lou Dobbs, speaking his mind on every subject by doing funny bits and impersonations of gay people. On a lark, Dobbs runs for President, but here's the movie's brilliant twist - he wins! Williams is in top form here, clowning, ad-libbing, braying like a wounded goat one moment, then touchingly tender and Morkish in the next. You never know what the hell he's up to or why, and that's part of the Williams charm. Lewis Black is terrific as Dobbs' speech writer, convulsing and spitting far less than usual. Christopher Walken proves once again that he'd be worth watching on the screen even if he was bound and gagged. Laura Linney plays the woman.

But behind this clowny mask of fun is a taut thriller! Certain powerful people (Jeff Goldblum) are sitting on the controversy of the century - the voting machines were incorrect and, just maybe, the wrong man is in the White House! And those powerful people will stop at nothing to make sure that he stays there. It seems a far - fetched premise for a political story, but Man gives the impression that it could happen right here, so watch out. It's a brilliantly original concept, and it'll put Man of the Year in the running for Movie of the Year at Oscar copy; reg; #8482; time.

October 6 , 2006

The Departed

Get ready to Depart - For the best film of the Millenium !!

HOLLYWOOD - There is no doubt about it, The Departed is absolutely and without exception the finest work of cinematic art of the century, perhaps of the millennium. An epic film of monumental proportions, an unparalleled masterpiece of such magnificent scope and sweep, to make another film after The Departed ought to be considered a crime against the art of filmmaking and the perpetrator beaten bloody with a pool cue.

Director Martin Scorsese easily cements his place in history as the Cecil B. DeMille of film. Never before has the screen seen such mastery, such power and glory, so evenly distributed over the length and height of the screen. Like a great conductor, Scorsese paints his sculptures with broad strokes. creating a architectural dance of striking harmonies and tonalities, vividly setting his cinematic saga to the tune of quot;My Bloody Valentine. quot;

Jack Nicholson gives the kind of once-in-a-lifetime performance earns him an indelible place in the annals of actors who have delivered once-in-a-lifetime performances. Matt Damon gives the performance of his life as a hardened young cop who infiltrates the mob, while Leonardo DiCaprio, in a lifetime-best performance, plays a hardened young mobster who infiltrates the police force. Or it may be the other way around. I will definitely have to see the film to figure it out, and when I do, this pairing of acting titans will go down in history as one of the best pairs of performances the screen has ever known. Mark quot;E Mark quot; Wahlberg is doing the best work of his life in a role that visually confuses the lines between Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio, at least for me.

But it all adds up to be the most stunningly interwoven assemblage of character nuance and narrative complexities the American cinema is likely to see between the current state of the art and the time the sun explodes, destroying all life on the planet. This triumphant achievement establishes itself as a work of such importance that it would not be excessive for Congress to consider legislation requiring all citizens to see it. It's that important. With The Departed, Martin Scorsese has revealed himself to the world as a prophetic visionary of such unrelenting majesty that offerings ought to be made unto him, whole cities devoted to apostolic evangelism in spreading His Word made cinematic, and marble statues the size of the Colossus of Rhodes erected in His Holy Name. To do anything less would be to insult the very notion of cinema and perhaps rip asunder the primeval fabric of existence. Therefore I heartily encourage you to see this film now, before the soon-to-be-formed formed Cultural Police force you to do it later.

September 29, 2006

School for Scoundrels

This School Graduates with Honors !!

HOLLYWOOD - The bell has rung and the syllabus calls for laughter - School for Scoundrels is in session, and this School earns an A-Plus! Jon Heder stars in his funniest role since Benchwarmers, in what has got to be the flat-out most hystrical live-action comedy to come out of Hollywood this entire week!

Napoleon Dynamite's Jon Heder stretches his acting muscles in the role of Roger, a clumsy, loveable loser, but this time he wants to do something about it! In order to overcome his shyness and ask his favorite girl for a date, Roger enrolls in a super-secret macho class to learn to be more manly. The result is man-sized hilarity! His teacher, Biddy Bob Thornton, teaches young Roger too well and is inexplicably compelled to compete with his student for his girlfriend, and before long, the battle of the sex is on!

School's laugh-out-loud script really does its homework. Chock full of all the jokes you've seen in the ads, School for Scoundrels is an advanced-placement class in hilarity, with honors-level performances from a special class of comics. Billy Bob Thornton shows us a whole new kind of hairpiece, and Jon Heder delivers a sensitive performance without a hint of diagnosable mental impairment. SNL's Horatio Sanz heads up a supporting cast of funny other characters who really know how to deliver their lines. Ben Stiller is on hand to play a dependably wacky person, and hangs on to the title as the person appearing in the most comedies this year.

At the end of this School day, you'll want to stay after for more extra-cirricular hijinks!

September 22, 2006

Blurbcast:
Flyboys

Your Spirit Will Soar With These Flyboys!!!!

September 22, 2006

All the King's Men

Penn-tacular !!

HOLLYWOOD - Wow! I just got back from screening the trailer for All the King's Men, and in my opinion it's the most powerful and important film of this or any year! This masterpiece of a tour-de-force is guaranteed to sweep the Oscars copy; reg; #8482; and steal the election for the title of Triumph of the Human Spirit. I can't wait to see the actual film! All the King's Men puts the movies back together again!

Sean Penn dazzles as the corrupt politician Willie Stark, based on corrupt politician Huey Lewis. It's a brilliant performance, with Penn at the top of his craft, flailing his arms like a cheerleader and bellowing in a southern accent so rich you can almost taste the lard! I predict that after this powerhouse role, young Mr. Penn is going places - such as The Academy Awards! copy; reg; #8482;

Penn is just one jewel in this all-star crown. James Gandolfini plays another corrupt politician with immense weight, and a cameo by Anthony Hopkins brings to mind that treasure of American acting, Burl Ives, and I mean that in a good way. Kate Winslet is lovely as a woman, while Jude Law is pitch-perfect as Jack Burden, the corrupt reporter turned corrupt politician who yearns to be lesss corrupt.

The result is astoniching, pure movie genius, and far better that the old, tired black-and-white version of the story, because this time it's in color. All the Kings Men drives home an important message: Politicians, although seeming to have our best interests in mind, often do things that they should be ashamed of. It's a stunning relevation, and even in this era of peace and proserity, we should probably keep it in mind for a while.

September 15 , 2006

Gridiron Gang

A Touchdown for the Heart !!

HOLLYWOOD - Get ready for the best summer movie of the fall! Gridiron Gang arrives just in time to tackle your heart and split your uprights with warmth, humor and inspiration!

This gritty gridiron prison drama tells the inspiring story of some guy, through the timeless beauty and poetry of football. Duane quot;The Johnson quot; Rock stars as a juvenile probation officer who's determined to turn a hopeless group of young criminals into a hopeful group of young football players.

Gridiron Gang has a full roster of indelible performances and a lean, muscular script. The Rock delivers with a surprising role that doesn't involve hurting people, and many young actors are called upon to play youthful offenders with the kind of authenticity that makes you want to call the police.

it all adds up to a story that will take your heart out of the cellar and lead it all the way to sudden death overtime! Do yourself a favor this fall and see Gridiron Gang, a football movie that scores nothing but net!

September 8 , 2006

The Covenant

It's Covenan-terrific !!

HOLLYWOOD - If you're looking to go to Hell - a hell of a good movie, that is, and don't know witch - one to see, make a deal with the devil to see The Covenant - it'll be the best damned deal you ever made!

At the exclusive Spenser boarding school, four young hottie boys - is that all right? You young kids, help me out: do you call attractive young men quot;hotties, quot; or would quot;hottems quot; be better? At any rate, these four young hottems have it all - popularity, girls and supernatural powers. They can get babes and crash cars without getting hurt, which is the dream of every college man. They're descendants of several generations of hotties reaching back to Pilgrim times in Ipswich, when the original hottem families made a covenant to remain powerful and attractive - forever! but there's one problem - a fifth hottem comes to town with even more powerful powers to get more babes and crash more cars, and he's bent on destroying the other four!

There was absolutely nobody I'd ever heard of in this cast, and they all did a terrific job. You might recognize one or two from their various roles in John Tucker Must Die; I didn't. Director Renny Harlin brings a master's touch to this , adrenaline-popping, eye-pumping non-stop thrill ride, bringing the same magic we saw in films like Cliffhanger, Cutthroat Island and the first version of the last Exorcist movie.

The Covenant keeps its promise! It's the year's best thriller about late-adolescent supernatural wizards in private colleges! See it or suffer the consequences!

August 31 , 2006

The Quiet

Nothing Quiet About This Thriller!!

HOLLYWOOD - Do yourself a big favor! The Quiet screams to be seen and heard! It's a cinematic gem graced with stunning visuals of Elisha Cuthbert in her underwear, and packed with indelible performances by Elisha Cuthbert in her underwear. Do you really need any other reason to go? If you do, you don't have a pulse, or aren't attracted to cute, demented teenage girls in their underwear!!

Cuthbert plays Nina, a popular cheerleader with a perfect life - or is it?! Suddenly her world is turned when her parents adopt their goddaughter Dot, whose parents die in the most thrilling car accident of the summer! Dot is a troubled soul, an outcast in her school and a deaf-mute - or is she?! Soon everybody's telling their secrets to Dot, and because she's deaf, this presents a certain irony, although I can't figure out what it is. Soon we learn that the whole family and many friends have secrets, dark nasty secrets that they probably shouldn't reveal to anyone but a deaf - mute person or a qualified therapist.

Elisha Cuthbert delivers a riveting screen presence, especially when she's in her underwear. Edie Falco is perfect as a shrill, pill-popping version of her role as the lady from The Sopranos. Camilla Belle plays Dot.

So if you're looking for a taut, gripping psychodrama that combines the saucy sass of a Bad Girls with the dysfunctional suburban life of American Beauty topped off with a hint of The Miracle Worker, look no further than The Quiet, because it won't do you any good!

August 18 , 2006

The Illusionist

Abracadabra, This Film Will Reach Out and Grab Ya!!

HOLLYWOOD - Get ready for a magical treat! The Illusionist is a cinematic gem, the eye-popping, jaw-dropping, delicately crafted, supercharged surprise hit of the year. But be careful: if you blink it might disappear - from theaters everywhere!

Edward Norton plays Eisenheim, an eighteenth-century magician with a dark, brooding mysterious beard on his chin and some really astonishing clothes. He is also an excellent magician, making plants grow and balancing swords so well it embarasses the crowned heads of Europe (Rufus Sewell). But the real magic happens when Eisenheim rekindles his romance with his childhood sweetheart Sophie, played by Jessica Biel with subtle charm and tremendously large teeth. It is a forbidden romance, and police Inspector Uhl (Paul Giamatti) is brought in to pull back the magician's pants and expose his real purpose. Or is he?!

Then suddenly, poof! the story spins around with so many twists and turns, you'll wonder, as with the best of magicians, what the hell just happened? It's the twist-a-minute plot that makes this elegant, effective meditation on the nature of the soul a slam-dunk with nothing but net.

Edward Norton is pitch-perfect in the role of Eisenheim. It's a performance so subtle, you'll wonder if he's really acting. Jessica Biel brings to the role of Sophie the delicate restraint yet powerful nuance of craft that made her roles in Blade: Trinity and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre stand out. Choosing to veil her most considerable skills behind layers of clothing is a brave choice, but she acts the hell out of her role! And Paul Giamatti as the plucky, quirky inspector is an absolute treat - this odd-looking young man is headed for stardom!

With indelible performances, eye-popping visuals and a story that will keep you turning the pages in your seat, The Illusionist is the perfect film to see if you want to tell your friends that you saw a real movie this summer!

August 18 , 2006

Accepted

This Comedy Graduates - With Honors!!

HOLLYWOOD - Every so often a movie comes along to that defines a generation with a brilliant, iconoclastic comic antihero - Ferris Beuller, Ridgemont High's Jeff Spicoli, Bill and Ted. We don't have one of those, so until the next one comes along, Accepted will charmingly, delghtfully make do!

Young Bartelby quot;B quot; Gaines (the guy from the Mac ads, but not the one with the glasses) has coasted through high school on his wits and charm, but now he faces a quandry - he's been rejected by every college he applied to. So he does what any red-blooded cheeky teen movie would have him do - open up his own university! Soon quot;B quot; enlists all his quirly colorful supporting actor friends to help him pull off the ultimate slacker con, the South Harmon Institute of Technology (or quot;S.H.I.T. quot;, what a feindishly clever acronym!), and suddenly he has his own college, a place where everyone who's been rejected from something feels at home.

The guy from the Mac ads (but not the one with the glasses) is refreshingly youthful as Bartelby, and brings a youthful refreshment to his role that's refreshing. I can't remember the names of anyone else in the movie except Lewis Black, who pops in for a brilliant turn as a screaming, spitting-mad middle-aged man who's angry at everyone and everything.

If you're looking for a carefree, rollicking, laugh-filled, totally wild ride to cap off your summer, and all the shows of Snakes on a Plane are sold out, you should have no problem getting a seat for Accepted!

August 11 , 2006

The Night Listener

Listen up, Oscar #153; reg; copy; !!

HOLLYWOOD - Forget those frivolous Talledega Nights, drive right by that Monster House. Move over, Lady in the Water; here's the first summer movie ready to depress the hell out of the whole family! The Night Listener is a tour-de force of drama, a taut psychological thriller that's achingly beautiful and beautifully aching - at the same time! The Night Listener pins you to the edge of your seat, grabs you by the gut and makes your ears stand on end.

Robin Williams is brilliant as the gay - but not quot;funny gay quot; - radio talk show host Gabriel Noone, sort of a depressed Frasier who's come out to himself. He develops a relationship with a young caller named Pete, played by Mc Rory Caulkin, and let me tell ya, he's got more screws loose than an old boat! It turns out that the boy may not be who he says he is - or is he??! Thus begins a spider's cradle of twists and turns that will keep you guessing until you run out of guesses!

Robin William's performance is a triumph, not at all spastic or clever; in fact it's so bleak and morose you just might want to die. McRory Caulkin plays the young-screwed-up boy to perfection, and Toni Colette has a role in the film as well. The story is based on actual true events that happened - or is it?! The result is deep and profound in the style of a Hitchcock or a Lars Von Trier. If you want your summer to end with a whimper, run to see The Night listener!

August 4 , 2006

Miami Vice

This Vice is habit-forming!!

HOLLYWOOD - The summer's burning up now that the real Miami heat is coming to town! Miami Vice is without a doubt the the most entertainingly breathless movie of the year! It positively fires on all the goods and delivers the cylinders! Michael Mann has done it again like he's never done it again before! But watch out, this Vice could be addictive!

Colin Farrell sizzles as Sonny Crockett, an undercover cop who won't play by the rules. And although Farrell looks like he spent the night sleeping off a drunk in a pile of his own underwear, it's really good underwear, rough around the edges, and perhaps a bit dirty, a little dangerous. Farrell brings the same whip-smart dash and daring he brings to all his roles, only this time you can almost make out what he's saying more than half the time!

Jaimie Foxxx plays the super-suave Ricardo Tubbs, and he positively ignites the screen with cool. Gong Li plays the alluring Chinese/Cuban high-stakes financier, and this exotic dish of black beans and fish sauce simmers with danger and allure.

So move over, other films that aren't Miami Vice! The sexiest, stylishest movie of the summer takes no prisoners and leaves no residue. Vice leads you down the back alley of intrigue, drops you to knees of tension and busts a cap of action on your ass!

July 21 , 2006

John Tucker Must Die

John Tucker must be the funniest movie of the year!!!

HOLLYWOOD - Summer's hot and getting hot-hot-hotter with the super-sexy nice-and-nasty girls-just-wanna-have-revenge comedy smash of the summer! John Tucker Must Die has it all: handsome guys, pretty gals, anger, betrayal and flat-out laughs that never stop coming. I guarantee that when I see this movie I won't stop laughing!

When three girls from different school cliques realize that they're all dating the young rogue John Tucker, it's time for revenge, times three! Or is it?! They set him up to fall for the new girl in town, just so she can dump him and break his heart. Or will she?! But wait, it's not all as easy as it seems, and we learn about love and heart and relentless teenage sex, with laughs aplenty along the way! Or is there?!

Jesse Metcalf (Desperate Housewives, Celebrity Poker Showdown) is pitch-perfect as the philandering hunk John Tucker, with just the right amount of nasty--and abs--to win you over! Brittany Snow (Guiding Light, other things) brings sass and sparkle to the role of Kate, the new girl who's caught in a dilemma. And the ever-dependable Jenny McCarthy (The Stupids, John Tucker Must Die) arrives like a train wreck as a savvy mom who ought to know - she's bounced more beds than Beautyrest - and with her acting chops tuned finer than ever, Old Jenny's positioned to be Hollywood's go-to cigarette-fueled utility MILF for the next decade!

So if you like your sex meaningless, your men vacuous and your women fighting one moment and making out the next, you won't be disappointed with John Tucker Must Die!

July 21 , 2006

HOLLYWOOD - Weekly Blurb host Mal Valour is in the hospital recuperating from what doctors described as quot;an emotional breakdown, quot; possibly triggered when Mal attempted to give a positive review to M. Night Shyamalan's Lady in the Water.

If he doesn't die, Mal will return in a week with all new Reviews You Can Really Use!

July 14 , 2006

You, Me and Dupree

You, me, them, us and non-stop laughter!!!

HOLLYWOOD - Oh, my ribs! I just saw the press material for You, Me and Dupree, and I couldn't stop laughing! This riotously funny comedy is moving in to sleep on the couch of your heart and stink up your bathroom with laughs!

Carl and Molly (Matt Dillon and Kate Hudson) are just starting out on their perfect married life, when along comes Carl's old unemployed slacker buddy Dupree (Owen Wilson), just in time to complicate things and give us something to laugh at. Soon Dupree has moved in, driving everybody crazy until they learn that Dupree is just Dupree, and his simple homespun wisdom melts everybody's hearts, but not before clogging them up--with laughter!

Owen Wilson is hilarious as the exact same character he's played in every movie he's ever been in. I wish my minivan was as dependable! Matt Dillon and Kate Hudson are pitch-perfect as the couple whose life gets complicated by Dupree's antics, and Michael Douglas pops in to be the serious dad-boss figure who has a change of heart.

Dupree has laughs in all the right places. We've all seen this story many times before, so don't worry, it's easy to figure out where to laugh. In fact. Dupree is so perfectly, hilariously predictable, you could just stay home and think about the funny lines Owen Wilson would say, or the nutty predicaments he'll get everybody in, and laugh for two hours without even going to the theater!

July 7 , 2006

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Set Sail for the Best Movie of the Summer !!!

HOLLYWOOD - Harg, what's that I sees on the horizon, boyo? It be the thrillingest yarn this side o' the Pillows of Hercules! Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest is sailing at full throttle and coming about at your local theater to lay claim to your thrills and steal yer hearts! Arg-Harr, me carbuncles!

Okay, I'll admit that I don't really speak Pirate, but you'll be singing praises after seeing Chest, the greatest adventure movie of the decade! Chest picks up where the last Pirates adventure left off, and doesn't stop until it sets us up for the next Pirates adventure, coming next year! And this time, it's even more like a theme park ride than the original!

Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) discovers he owes a blood debt to the legendary Davey Jones, Captain of the ghostly Flying Dutchman. With time running out, Jack must find a way out of his debt or else be doomed to eternal damnation and servitude in the afterlife. Making matters worse, Sparrow's problems manage to interfere with the wedding plans of a certain Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley), who are forced to join Jack on yet another one of his misadventures.

...At least that's what it says in the press release. All I know is there's sixteen men full of laughter, thrills and adventure waiting for you on this Dead Man's Chest!

Johnny Depp returns in glory as the revoltingly dashing Captain Jack Sparrow, and in the words of that national treasure Billy Joel, this Captain Jack will get you high tonight, and take you to his special island! Keira Knightley is simply the most beautiful image to grace the movie screen since I can remember noticing women, and she's pitch-perfect as the plucky Elizabeth Swann. Veteran Actors Bill Nighy and Stellan Skarsgard add a touch of class, and Orlando Bloom has some sort of a role.

It all adds up to the greatest pirate adventure tale since somebody first pirated something and another person wrote about it! Chest will raid your coast with laughter, slit your throat with thrills, and leave you for dead with a smile on your face!